If you want to feature your house in a magazine.......

..there are some important aspects to consider. Not that I am going to, you understand. I don't fit the criteria I'm sure. But I read a hell of a lot of these magazines and there seems to be a certain formula.(Certain exceptions such as The Vintage Magpie do apply).

First of all you need to say lots of happy things like...'We're so happy here', 'Finally we have our dream home' or 'I can't imagine living anywhere else'. Disregard the fact that this house is going up for sale very soon and the mileage from the magazine will add on a bit of worth. They never say, 'This ruddy house was so stressful we're getting divorced'.

It's important to find things. For example it's imperative to uncover victorian fireplaces behind walls, intricate spindles that were boxed in on the staircase, and there is usually an amazing original tiled floor under the carpet (which incidentally you must rip up). The quote will go something like this; 'when we ripped up the carpets we discovered a beautiful parquet floor which we lovingly restored'.

You should accept as normal; bowlfuls of lemons, limes, aubergines or oranges with their leaves still attached (since they were obviously picked that morning from your orange tree in your garden). A cafetiere is imperative and bonus points for croissants and Bonne Maman confiture! You are obviously mid meal and it's never a Domino's pizza.

Oh and you should be in your bare feet standing in your kitchen nursing your cup of coffee, or sitting in your living room reading a magazine (instead of scurrying round like a madwoman trying to hide your basket of dirty laundry.

Your TV should... well you don't have one; as all sofas face each other. We all know that nobody watches TV now, we sit opposite each other and talk.

If your children aren't cute you need to borrow someone elses. They also have no shoes, and are usually wearing something floral, unless you are a boy, in which case you will be wearing long shorts and a rather funky T-shirt. To the childrens' distress all their plastic toys will be hidden in the attic and the only things displayed will be their Elmer suitcase, a wooden dog on a stick, and a Tin Tin poster.

Beds should have at least forty-seven cushions on them, and a strategically folded throw along the bottom. There is never a toilet roll left on the bed head. That would reflect reality, and therefore be silly.

Now why do I keep buying the damn magazines?

 

 

Comments

[julia]

Love it! I feel exactly the same, there's an awful lot of smug buggers in these mags, just like on Grand Designs, I sit there shouting at the tv. But I'll let you into a secret, my house is going in a magazine next year and of course, we don't have a tv or any tasteless toys in the pics, they were all piled up in the hall! Just wait until you read the article, I sound like the saddest old biddy in the world (or maybe I just am!) Thanks for making me laugh, Julia x

[Lisa]

Spot on! Thank you for saying it so eloquently. Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Anne]

When I used to watch 'makeover' programmes on tv with my late father, he would got very cross at the expressions of delight at the transformation - his most frequent comment (shouted at the tv) was 'stupid bitch' - perhaps we should follow his example and shout at the women in the magazine articles who make us feel inadequate.....
ps - good to have you back - I missed you!!

[Mummy Boo Bear]

Hi lovely blog you have here.

I was laughing all the way through that post! Very true. I also find that they always seem to be organised enough to decorate the house for every festivity too. So if its halloween its decorated for that and easter too. Although its a bit of goal of mine to one day be that organised, its usually a slapdash last minute rush. I am pretty sure though half the time its what the magazine wants from the article than the folks themselves. And also they never seem to bugger anything up! Like the said flooring or hidden firplace, it always comes out perfect! lol.

Your house build looks really exciting! I bet you cant wait.

MBBx

[The Coffee Lady]

Also you need a vintage dress or a handbag to just be hanging on your wardrobe door. Not spilling out, mind.